The Miasma Theory
by MaybeWolf
Summary: "I've been lost in that same poisonous haze for years; I can almost feel it choking the life from his heart one beat at a time." Rade.
1. Robbie's Lament I: Killing Loneliness

_**Ok, usually I try to avoid long notes before the story, but in this case I think it's important. **_

_**This is not my original plot. **_

_**This is my rewrite of a sensational story called Dirty Secrets by Crazyhumor, which I recommend you go and read! Through PM I've cleared creating a remake of Crazyhumor's original work since it's uncertain when Dirty Secrets will be updated. Why? I just couldn't see such a great plot go unused. The first few chapters will be based off the original content, from there it'll be my own ideas.**_

**_Lets go..._**

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><p>I'm fucking terminal.<p>

I'm sick with desire, a fever that I know I'll never sweat out no matter how many nights I lose. I'm lost in the fog of a passion so deep that I'll wander inside of it forever, no matter how many times I wake up alone. I'm stuck in a cycle so vicious that I know the wounds will never heal, yet I'll pick up my phone without hesitation. I'm the shriveled, blacked heart just barely beating beneath the floorboard. The secret she'll never let slip, no matter how loudly the guilt rings in her ears.

This isn't love, it's an illness that's slowly dragging my heart to a standstill. A few more months and I wonder it if will even beat at all. This isn't healthy, I know it's not. We're a couple doused in gasoline, just waiting for the day that we walk close enough to an open flame. The web of lies that we're weaving is only drawing us ever closer. Some day soon we'll ignite.

She's still not here and I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Maybe that shadow won't drag against my bed and that voice won't filter through the air tonight. I lay on the crumpled covers of my bed staring around my room; I've long since given up on trying to wash away the guilt that stains it. The hands crawl past the numbers of my clock, dragging me ever closer to her. This isn't healthy.

In my dreams I never met her.

The harsh rattle of my door smashing against the doorframe wrenches me from bliss and drops me in the middle of a nightmare. Three knocks and she'll pass through the door, a new strain of this virus in her wake. I drag a pair of headphones from the floor, watching as they swing from their cord and wondering what it would be like to dangle in such a way. The music fills my ears, shrapnel vocals and chainsaw guitars drowning out my own anguish.

"I like this song, something about the lyrics speaks to me." She's sitting next to me, an uninvited plague spreading through my consciousness as well as my mind. I hate when she speaks softly, like her words aren't the razors I know they are. Her midnight black hair cascades over her shoulders like an oil spill, and so fitting. It's as thought she's so toxic even her hair has been poisoned; I never was one to let the truth get in the way of a good story. I drag a long breath into my lungs, peering at her as she holds my Pear Phone loosely in her fingers.

"You alright?" The words pass through her lips, like there's been a slip in security and a genuine emotion found it's way into the empty husk of a girl before me. I cringe as I notice the crease on her forehead and the tightening of her lips. Concern lingers on her face and I used to think it was a good thing, but now it only feels worse than when she ignores me. Like the warmth of the sun is enough to ice over her heart, I hate how easily she can forget me.

"I'm fine, just tired." I mumble, tossing the words into the air. I catch sight of her eyes and wish that I hadn't They're darkened pools of emerald, the concern swimming within their depths will keep me awake for days, like the memories I've already got aren't enough. She's burnt into my eyelids anyway; I couldn't forget her for even a moment of peace.

"It's almost 3am and I've got to perform tomorrow." I announce, wrenching my arm into the air and sneering at the four illuminated numbers on my watch. I've come to despise this time of night. She's always here, haunting this hour like a malignant specter. I feel her shift next to me, slinging on leg over the other.

"We could just talk tonight if you want?" She states after a moment, brushing a lock of hair behind her ears and peering over at me. Her eyebrows are upturned and I could even let myself forget for a second that this is the girl that took away my innocence, the girl that turned me into a fucking whore. I wish she'd just walk out that door before another part of my soul withers away. It's easier to forget who she is when we don't speak. Sometimes I can even trick my mind into believing that I'm making love to my girlfriend and not defiling myself to make rent or pay another bill.

"We used to talk all the time…" She mumbles, shattering the silence that had allowed me to slip into my delusions. I open my eyes and confront the reality before me, it's been almost three years. A humorless laugh shudders through my lips as my mind slips back to a time when everything had been in Technicolor and all of the animals would sing. We were fourteen and curious, I used to ask her about everything, thinking that if I could remember it all, she might be able to find a place in her heart for me. Now we're both nearing our seventeenth birthdays, it's been months since I've seen anything but shades of grey and the smell of rotten carcasses is the only reminder of those songs gone by.

"You're not paying me for conversation." I spit the words out like they're toxic. I wish that they were, and then she'd know what it is to be infected. The words leave my lips and sail towards her, and from the look in her eyes I know they hurt. Sorrow tugs at my heartstrings, not for her pain, but mourning the loss of my own humanity. There was a time that I'd have moved heaven and hell to take back those words, but now I can't even drag two empty words from my lips.

I wrench myself upwards, lurching from the dead but leaving my heart behind. I drag myself towards her, sweeping her into a kiss and feeling the bile rise within me. I kiss her in the way that I know she likes, nipping at her bottom lip and waltzing in a dance of the damned with her tongue. I skate my fingers over the soft skin of her collarbone before shoving her backwards, so that she's laying on my bed.

Screwing my eyes shut, I close the distance between us once more, peppering her neck with kisses, but never lingering for long enough to leave a mark. I almost slip and do it anyway and the memory her taking it out of my payment slithers through my mind. My fingers skitter over her skin, I'm only dimly aware that they're popping the buttons of her shirt free, my mind retreating away from the betrayal of my body. It's not like I need it anyway, I know every inch of her by instinct, I know I've touched her in places Beck's never even thought of.

"What happened to being tired?" I feel my throat tighten as her words pull me back into reality and I remember why I hate myself. My heart clenches as I remember the first time she spoke to me in that breathless tone. We were alone at Jade's house and working on some stupid fucking assignment on The American Revolution, and Jade's shitty parents had gone to a party. The morons left a bottle of wine in the kitchen, so of course we had the bright idea to open it. The next thing I remember is waking up in Jade's bed and not being able to tell where she ended and I began.

Below me, she's stripping her blouse away, but I'm lost in the memories of the reverse. In my mind I reign in the image of Jade slipping her head though a black singlet. It flickers before my eyes, the details are so vivid, but I can scarcely remember the happiness I felt that morning. I'm so disconnected from it, that I almost feel like I'm watching somebody else's memories, I've forgotten how it felt to be that naïve. I watch on as the words that threw us into this whole mess pass her lips, she tells me that we're both as lonely as each other. Then I told her how sick my Mom was. As I lay crying into the crook of her neck, she told me that she had the solution.

It all flies past my eyes, paying for Mom's treatment with crumpled 20 dollar notes, faking my fathers signature and handing over an envelope of my own money to the Dean of Admissions at Hollywood Arts.

Jade's hips roll against me and I'm uprooted from my memories and pulled into the depths of reality. She's peering up at me, a softness in her eyes that's never there when the sunrises and we have to pull on our skins. My heart can't even find the will to miss a beat, if this isn't a lie than it's something even worse.

I pop the button of her jeans and she arcs her back, allowing me to slide them down her legs. My name passes her lips as my fingers slip between her panties and the bare skin beneath, every movement a betrayal, every caress another weight on my conscience. I'm lost in memories again, sinking deeper into my regrets.

I remember the day Beck finally got Jade to agree to date him. I remember the smile on his face, genuine adoration as Jade folded her arms and barely restrained her contempt. I remember weeks later, when the contempt began to fade from her eyes and the hard lines in her face began to soften. My phone didn't ring once that week so when the final bell at Hollywood Arts did, I skipped home. The rays of the sun bounced off the pavement, hiding the glint of metal and the tweets of birds sailing through the air muffled the rattle of a chain.

Night fell and shattered the illusion, my phone lighting up with a familiar caller and reminding me of the chain still wrapped around my ankle. Jade's a life sentence and I the fights leaving my body with every passing call.

My fingers run through the motions, skipping and fluttering at the places that make Jade call out my name. She calls my name out into the air and I cringe bitterly, like she's a soprano hitting a sour note on opening night. I drag myself closer to her, our hips rolling in sync. I hate the way I drown in her eyes and all of my objections fall away as the flames of lust envelop us. I hate the way she tenses up as she reaches a crescendo, the way her eyes fly open before sealing shut as she drifts into an ocean of bliss. I hate the way that I drag my hips back and forth and lament the lack of a positive connection to something that was once so personal.

A fuck. It's just a fuck.

My head hits the pillow and I roll away from her, ignoring the whimper that flies through her lips as I leave her feeling cold. Frost settles over my heart and I'm finally at peace as my body numbs and the chill seeps into my bones.

I'm thawed out by the harsh glare of the sun and the sound of my alarm bludgeoning the air around me. The remnants of my dreams shatter before me and I fall into the hell of my existence. I don't have to look around to know that she's gone. The sensation of the cold sheets beneath my fingers as I parse the area she had inhabited reminds me of what it was to swim within unconsciousness.

Shivering as I remember dreams do not equate to real life, I throw myself out of bed and drag some clean clothes from my dresser. A harsh cackle slices through my lips as I notice a stack of notes resting on it, I don't even know the meaning of what it is to be clean anymore. I trudge towards the shower, not hoping to feel cleansed when I return, just a little less dirty.

I linger beneath the cold water for a long time, I've long since abandoned trying to wash away the filth that's seeped into my pores, but the solitude of the bathroom provides an escape. To my side, the sounds of children shuffling towards school ring through the window. Peering through the small opening next to me, I wonder what kind of person thinks that putting a window in the side of a shower is a good idea. At least it's only a small opening in line with my head and in a place that would rob me of what little modesty I retain.

I circle my fingers around roughly wrapped paper, ducking away from the water and taking a deep drag. As the smoke fills my lungs and I halt my breathe, I remember when this window used to terrify me. Shaking my head, I release the smoke into the air. Ever since Cat abandoned me with her brother for a whole afternoon, that window has meant freedom. With a chemical imbalance I can delude myself a little easier, I can pick Rex up and convince everybody at school that my worst problems are puppet related.

As the last fibers of my release burn away, I take care to brush the ashes from the window ledge and make sure no evidence of my indiscretion remains. Stepping out of the shower, I spray some deodorant into the air before throwing back my head and dropping some clear eyes into my brown orbs. The last thing I need is my mom catching me and sending me to rehab. I effects of my morning routine kick in and the rest of the morning passes in a blur. Before I know it, I'm bidding my mother farewell at the door. I halt on the spot, handing her the money from my "burger flipping" job. I even throw Rex's voice into the air, suppressing the shudder the rattles through my body as mom tells me how proud of her son she is.

If only she knew the truth.

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><p><strong><em>There it is. The tone's pretty different from my usual stuff, but leave me a review and let me know what you think. Especially fans of the original! <em>**

**_...btw updates to the other fics I'm working on will be up within a few days._**


	2. Robbie's Lament II: Beyond Redemption

**This was The Art Of Ruining Lives but I changed the name since it's been so long. A fresh start if you will. Also, this is an authorized remake of CrazyHumor's Dirty Secrets.**

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><p>"<em><strong>I'm no one's hero, so just forget my name."<strong>_

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><p>I drift through the open maw of Hollywood Arts, a mist trailing through the faceless sea of humanity residing within. I billow through the halls before twin emerald eyes blow me apart like sunlight. Jade's midnight hair blows over her shoulders like noxious smog and I hate the way all of the bravado evaporates within me as whenever our paths cross at school. It's been like this with every sunrise.<p>

"So I went by your house last night, but you weren't there…" Beck's words fill Jade's lungs and drag the color from her face. My heart clogs with the tar that comes with fucking your best friend's girlfriend every night. Trying to ignore the guilt churning within me, I plunge my fingers into the abyss of my pocket and drag forth my keys. As I jab the head of my key into my locker's padlock, every inch of me is infected with cowardice. My yellow streak is a mile wide.

"I was out." Jade's words are a miasma, dusting the air and seeping into Beck's pores. I've been lost in that poisonous haze for years, so I can almost feel it choking the life from his heart one beat at a time. Even behind the safety of my locker's door, I can feel the virus creep into me once again. As Blackened tendrils search the cavity of my chest for something to take hold of, I'm not afraid. I meet them as I would an old friend.

I'm fucking empty.

"Well obviously. I was just wondering…" Beck's words are a symptom. The faith shimmering within them withers and dies as he trudges deeper into the toxic atmosphere that is Jade West. Flickering moments of years gone by waver before my eyes and I remember a time when my eyes reflected the hope that I know dwells within Beck's in this moment. I hang my head in shame. Glaring at the floor, I wish I had the courage to cure him, to tell him the truth about what lays before him.

"Yeah, stop wondering." Jade's reply bludgeons the air once again, the air born disease taking a corporeal form as she glares at Beck. A stormy response brews within Beck's eyes and his lips sharpen. I'm bracing myself for his retaliation when as quickly as the infection had spread, Beck manages to contain it. His eyes slid past Jade and as they collide with me, I realize I'm not as intangible as I had hoped.

"Hey man, how's it going?" Beck's eyes return to their naturally calm state and the friend I'm familiar with emerges from Jade's haze. I know it shouldn't, but envy rushes through my veins. I've never been able to find my way out, I'm just one of many bodies dwelling within the depths of Jade's checkered past. At best I'm just a husk now, home to a putrid being of Jade's creation. I guess I should be happy Beck still has a chance of escape; this is a fate I would never wish on anyone.

"Alright, I'm just kind of sleepy. Long night." I answer, purposely ignoring the specter beside him. My voice bleeds into the halls, tainted bleak by the passage of time. Beck pushes his lips forward and inclines his chin, taking in my reply. I'm surprised he doesn't choke on the unmentioned truths that lay within my words.

Jade's shoulders jolt as I speak and she swirls on the spot. Twin emerald eyes glint through the spirals of her midnight locks and I'm frozen to the spot as her eyes linger on me. Silence hangs heavily in the air before crimson hair sweeps through the halls. As she bounces towards us, I don't think I've ever been happier to see Cat Valentine. My lips split into a smile and for once it's genuine. Jade's eyes dart to my form for an instant, something like jealousy flashing within them.

"What's wrong sleepy?" Cat's eyebrows drag together and her words are weighed down with concern. When she's in front of me, I can almost remember what it was like to be myself. The shadow of last night seems to die in the wake of the light in her eyes. She's the sun within my darkened world, a beacon of hope glimmering in the distance. The darkness billows around me once more as Jade steps between Beck and Cat. I barely notice as Andre and Tori bleed into line next to me.

"I was finishing off an assignment." I lie through my teeth, edging away from the light. My lie pollutes the air and I step further into the darkness as Jade's lips curve at the edges. It's barely a twitch of a muscle, but I feel the gloom within me deepen. If I'm expecting Cat's thoughts to flitter away from me, sadness seeps into me as I realize I'm just as toxic as Jade. There's a midnight tendril extending from me, and it's dragging Cat into our twisted lives.

"Assignment?" Cat's frown mars her features and I feel the light around her dim. With a shudder, I realize that there's nothing I can do to contain the infection. Short of cutting myself out of Cat's life, there's nothing I can do. I can't bring myself to do that though. I'm too selfish to give up the torch of happiness Cat carries with her at all times. I can't let her go.

"Yeah, it was really unpleasant." The lie flows through my teeth with a practiced ease. Bile rises in my throat as I realize it's become easier to lie than to tell the truth. As much as I wish I could say I hate feeling Jade writhe beneath me, it's just not true. With her caress, I'm an addict getting his fix. From the corner of my eye I notice Jade peering down at her blackened nails. All of my other thoughts drown as my mind becomes fixated on her. I can't believe she walks through life so unaffected by this.

"Robbie, you shouldn't let yourself get so far behind if you're going to be so tired. You're not yourself like this." Cat's voice leads me from the darkest parts of my mind and back into the usual doldrums of my discontent. Her bottom lip juts out as she peers at me through widened eyes and guilt taps me on the shoulder. I drag the muscles of my face into something resembling a smile, hoping my mask is convincing enough to convince the others that I'm fine. There's no reason to pull anybody else further into this abyss.

"How late were you up?" Tori's words trail the same path as Cat's, a questioning tone seeping into her voice as she turns to me. Tori's chocolate orbs are a pool of concern compared to the ocean that I had seen within Cat's eyes. I purse my lips thoughtfully, dragging my body through the motions and acting as though I'm trying to remember something. It's another lie; I remember every second of every moment last night. I know exactly when I finally managed to lose consciousness.

"Got to sleep around five." I drag the words from my throat dismissively, like they shouldn't trouble themselves. Plunging my fingers into my pocket, the cold sensation of the tin containing my closest friends greets me. The makeup within is the mask that hides my true nature from the pry eyes that linger on me. The bag of green fragments stuffed into the tin beside it made up the stitches that hold me together.

"What class had you up so late?" Beck's words drag me back into the conversation, his fingers reaching out to me within the darkness. We're two lost souls, stranded within the same void, only the roots haven't taken hold of him yet. I want to throw a hand out, to push him towards the light again. I'm already damned.

"Anatomy. Hey, I've gotta go. Catch you guys later." My mutinous words spark the atmosphere of our shared hell. Within it I'm voiceless. If he'd only open his eyes, he'd see what we're truly surrounded by. Beck's eyebrows dip and something like realization drags through his eyes. I'm about to celebrate Beck's emancipation when I notice Jade's talons plunge into Beck's arm. The truth lays discarded at his feet as Beck steers towards her and midnight tendrils wrap around him again. I drag a breath from the air and turn on my heel. My feet feel like lead and the stench of defeat hangs with me as I depart to the soundtrack of their farewells.

I meander through the hallways unnoticed, like it's second nature to me. My next class is within sight when a pair of claws sink into my shoulders. Through the dim light seeping under the door, I'm able to make out a familiar figure before me. I'd recognize those claws anywhere, I'd recognize those crooked waves of jet black hair anywhere.

"What do you want Jade?" I hiss, barbed words slicing my lips as my arms fall like blocks over my chest. In this darkened world, I don't have to keep up any of the façades that I do in the hallways. Jade heaves a sigh from deep inside of her body. Even within the gloom, I can see her struggling to pull words through her lips.

"Are you alright?" I'm not sure whether it's concern scattered through her voice or if I've just become immune to the inherent venom of her words. I inhale a shallow breath, careful not to take it too much of her scent. I may have built up an immunity to Jade, but those black tendrils are never too far from stripping back my armor and hollowing out what's left of me.

"I'm fine. Why does it suddenly matter now?" My eyebrows crash over the soulless orbs within my skull. My voice sets the air alight and the mist clouding Jade's emotions evaporates. No longer am I trapped in a closet with a malignant cloud that houses all of my doubts and all of my self-loathing. Reality bleeds through my delusions and I realize it's just Jade and I in the janitor's closet.

"Cat and Vega think there's something wrong with you, they want to stage an intervention or something." Jade's voice tiptoes through the air and circles me cautiously. I roll my eyes and tap my fingers against the tin within my pocket. I've got the cure to all that ails me at the tips of my fingers. Last time I let somebody lay their fingers on my heart, they filled it with a blackness that's never faded. It is slightly concerning that the cracks in my mask are widening though. I'm not sure that I want my friends to see the real me just yet.

"Cool, sounds like fun." With a roll of my shoulders, the concern in me perishes. With Jade having delivered her message, I just want to escape. As I turn to leave, Jade's frown deepens and her fingers slither through the air and hold me in place. My eyes spiral back to her, falling upon a face that I haven't seen in years. It drags me into the past and my mutinous heart lurches painfully against my chest. It reminds me of a time when Jade's face alone was enough to send it into convulsions.

"Wait…" Emerald orbs widen and none of the writhing tendrils I've come to associate with her swing before my eyes. I cautiously spin back to her, shifting my weight to one foot. My armor seizes up and rusts as the loathsome beast that I hate crumbles before me, revealing the girl that I used to think I loved. In this state she's nervous and weak, a tangled assortment of uncertain limbs. I feel my throat constrict, the specter of my misspent youth looming before me.

"I might be late tonight; I have a date with Beck." With her words, I instantly regret letting my guard down. Another blacked claw tears through the flesh of my chest and sinks into my heart. The girl before me vanishes and I realize that the monster before me was only ever hiding in the shadows. My jaw snaps shut and I remind myself that soon this will only be another jagged scar across my heart. It's nothing. I'm no one.

"Whatever." I mutter. My voice slices through the air and I'm reminded of a time when my words weren't meant to wound. Jade's fingers retreat back into the shadows and an expression that's uncomfortably close to hurt seeps onto Jade's features. Fighting against the tar that clogs it, my heart lurches uncomfortably. For the second time today, I retreat when things become too real.

I'm a fucking coward.

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><p><strong>Sorry, sorry, sorry to anybody that's been waiting for this! I know it took a long time. I just really wanted to get the chapter in a state that does the great original justice. It's also kind of hard to step into this lightless world from the relatively fluffy worlds of the other three things I'm writing at the moment lol. Hopefully the next update will be a lot sooner than this one.<strong>

**Shout out to my awesome Beta Agent Taggert who continues to do an awesome job sifting through my work and also to CrazyHumor for the rad source material.**

**As always, drop me a line. I'd love to hear what you think.**


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